Subject: Where would you be?
> By Rob Ross
> WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
>
> YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES .
>
> YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING
YOU...
>
> YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...
>
> YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...
>
> YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS
AND KISSES...
>
> SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE...
>
> .
> ANSWER:
>
>
>
> IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE.
> By Rob Ross
> WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
>
> YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES .
>
> YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING
YOU...
>
> YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...
>
> YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...
>
> YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS
AND KISSES...
>
> SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE...
>
> .
> ANSWER:
>
>
>
> IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE.
----David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are
no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be
miserable , after the NAACP sees this!)
>
> # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
>
> # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
>
> # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
>
> # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while
holding up pants at the same time.
>
> # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
>
> # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
>
> # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
>
> # 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
>
> # 2 - Can't wear helmet sideways.
>
> AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY
BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
>
> # 1 - When they crash their cars, they bail
out and run.
no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be
miserable , after the NAACP sees this!)
>
> # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
>
> # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
>
> # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
>
> # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while
holding up pants at the same time.
>
> # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
>
> # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
>
> # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
>
> # 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
>
> # 2 - Can't wear helmet sideways.
>
> AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY
BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
>
> # 1 - When they crash their cars, they bail
out and run.
Sometimes ya gotta listen
>>A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator,
looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing
next to him.
>>
>>The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right
testicle, Turner Brown."
>>
>>The white man faints and falls to the floor. The
big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
>>The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
>>
>>In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What
EXACTLY did you say to me?"
>>
>>The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and
figured I'd just give you the answers to the
questions everyone always asks me.
>>
>>I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a
20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,
my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name
is Turner Brown."
>>
>>The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet
Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!"
>>A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator,
looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing
next to him.
>>
>>The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right
testicle, Turner Brown."
>>
>>The white man faints and falls to the floor. The
big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
>>The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
>>
>>In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What
EXACTLY did you say to me?"
>>
>>The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and
figured I'd just give you the answers to the
questions everyone always asks me.
>>
>>I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a
20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,
my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name
is Turner Brown."
>>
>>The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet
Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!"
New Purina diet.....
"There are too many dumb, gullible people out there.." story....
"I have a German Shepard and was buying a large bag of
Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog. (What else would you do with
Purina?!!)
-On impulse, I decided to pull a George Carlin on her and told
her that no, I dont have a dog, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
-I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
was behind her.)
-Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned.
-I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me
"There are too many dumb, gullible people out there.." story....
"I have a German Shepard and was buying a large bag of
Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog. (What else would you do with
Purina?!!)
-On impulse, I decided to pull a George Carlin on her and told
her that no, I dont have a dog, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
-I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
was behind her.)
-Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned.
-I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me
By Nate
--A Michigan woman and her family were
vacationing in a small New England town where
Paul Newman and his family often visited.
--One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to
take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she
decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice
cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the
center of the village and went straight to the
combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was
only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman,
sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
--The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes
made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck
woman smiled demurely.
--Pull yourself together, she chided herself. You're a
happily married woman with three children; you're
forty-five years old, not a teenager!
--The clerk filled her order and she took the
double-dip chocolate ice-cream cone in one hand
and her change in the other. Then she went
out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul
Newman's direction.
--When she reached her car, she realized that she
had a handful of change - but her other hand was
empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in
the store? Back into the shop she went,expecting to
see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder
on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone
was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at
Paul Newman.
--His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin
and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
vacationing in a small New England town where
Paul Newman and his family often visited.
--One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to
take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she
decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice
cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the
center of the village and went straight to the
combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was
only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman,
sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
--The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes
made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck
woman smiled demurely.
--Pull yourself together, she chided herself. You're a
happily married woman with three children; you're
forty-five years old, not a teenager!
--The clerk filled her order and she took the
double-dip chocolate ice-cream cone in one hand
and her change in the other. Then she went
out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul
Newman's direction.
--When she reached her car, she realized that she
had a handful of change - but her other hand was
empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in
the store? Back into the shop she went,expecting to
see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder
on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone
was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at
Paul Newman.
--His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin
and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
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