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--A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
--The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's
three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are
likemelons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are
like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
--This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
--The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear,
a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is
like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it
is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for
decoration."
father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
--The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's
three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are
likemelons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are
like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
--This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
--The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear,
a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is
like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it
is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for
decoration."
> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of
coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)If you farted consistently for
6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the
energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)The
human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)A pig's orgasm
lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)A
cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)Banging
your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour(Don't try
this at home,maybe at work)The male praying mantis
cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The
female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.("Honey,
I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its
body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a
football field.(30 minutes...lucky pig! Can you imagine?)The
catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty
on the bottom of a pond?)Some lions mate over 50 times a
day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I
always wanted to know.)The strongest muscle in the body
is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on
average, nine years longer than left-handed people.(If you're
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are
the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a
good thing)A cat's urine glows under a black light.(I wonder
who was paid to figure that out?)An ostrich's eye is bigger
than its brain.(I know some people like that.)Starfish have
no brains(I know some people like that too.)Polar bears are
left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)Humans
and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.(What about that pig??)
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of
coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)If you farted consistently for
6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the
energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)The
human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)A pig's orgasm
lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)A
cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)Banging
your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour(Don't try
this at home,maybe at work)The male praying mantis
cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The
female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.("Honey,
I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its
body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a
football field.(30 minutes...lucky pig! Can you imagine?)The
catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty
on the bottom of a pond?)Some lions mate over 50 times a
day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I
always wanted to know.)The strongest muscle in the body
is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on
average, nine years longer than left-handed people.(If you're
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are
the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a
good thing)A cat's urine glows under a black light.(I wonder
who was paid to figure that out?)An ostrich's eye is bigger
than its brain.(I know some people like that.)Starfish have
no brains(I know some people like that too.)Polar bears are
left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)Humans
and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.(What about that pig??)
By: Nita
By: Norma
*
Hubby Home Early??
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone!
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone
else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone!
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone
else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
